Thoughts #1

I joined Plenty of Fish the other day. I’ve been single for quite a while for a variety of reasons, I guess generally down to a mixture of anxiety, self-esteem issues, and plain laziness. “So”, I thought to myself, “I’ll give Plenty of Fish a try, see what this online dating thing is like, maybe meet some people and see if it leads to something”. This was quite uncharacteristically optimistic for me; again, as noted before, anxiety, self-esteem issues. But hey, nearly a New Year, new resolutions. So I joined up, made a profile, all that.

I got a message from a girl in Bristol, just a cheery hi to open a conversation. I had a look on her profile, and along with the usual kind of thing people write on dating profiles was a particular line, it was something like;

“I have Aspergers, and I’m looking for someone to love me and care for me”.

And that brought me to fucking tears, because that’s what everyone is looking for isn’t it. And then I thought “I can’t be that guy” for this girl, and I don’t know why my mind pushed back so hard against even the thought, which made me feel terrible and guilty and useless. I spiralled pretty hard following that.

So maybe I’m not ready for Plenty of Fish…

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